Walking A Tightrope

Lately, I feel like I have been tightrope walking between vulnerability, visibility, transparency, and just shutting up until I figure it out. 

I want so badly to show up fully and transparently, and I admit that I worry about how I’ll be perceived. Too messy? Too sad? Too much? 

eye roll

You know how it goes. I have been working hard to fight through all of these shadows that have been coming back up lately. It’s been hard, harder than I expected. I think I expected some things to come up, but not in the ways it has. I knew the body image stuff would come up, but I was clearly lying to myself about how “okay” I feel in my body, on the beach, on Instagram, every week.

And that’s just one layer.

Sometimes I feel like a never ending onion. 

So one of the things I’ve been consciously working on is my mindset. Changing your thoughts shifts your feelings and your behaviors. Which is basically CBT, because I do this in session.

I’ve been feeling disconnected from myself so I’ve known that I need to shift my mindset. But I felt like I was still coming up short. 

I was listening to Kayce’s latest podcast episode, needing to catch up, because again, away from my things, and heard this message reinforced. Her guest, Saraswati said one of her practices is focusing on what you are doing. How often do we hyperfocus on what we aren’t doing?

My ego has been running the show this summer. There have been points when the shadows commandeered the bus and completely took over. The focus has been rooted in the lack, whether I liked it or not. It’s even showing up in this week's blog!

So what I am practicing is focusing on what I am doing. I don’t even need to label it (good, bad, average..whatever). 

I want to invite you into this practice with me. 

Look at what you’ve done. Look at the times you felt proud about how you handled a situation. 

Like today, it was an amazing day at Third Wave. It’s not just because we got community support from Clean Eatz VB and got to hang out with Kelsie Shae who I’ve known about for her photography for years. It was so fucking awesome. It was actually one of our smaller turnouts, even with lunch. But that’s not the story I want to focus on. I want to focus on all the laughter, connection, and appreciation for each other.  One of our Third Wavers opened our surf day with her gifts of voice and sound (literally everyone cried) we cashed in on waves, and we got really positive feedback. 

I’m constantly reminded that we are really building something so beautiful. 

So while I am trying to be kind to the shadows and understand them, they don’t get to keep driving.

This is not the kind of passenger princess I want to be. 

So for the next few weeks I’m focusing on my ‘I did’ list.

What are you putting on yours?